“You
look like your Dad. Your black eyes, black hair, brown soft skin, your face,
everything.”
“Mom,”,
I took my Dad photograph from her hands. “I’ve known that clearly. Guess Mom,
everyone in this planet has said that too. Nobody believes that I’m your
daughter. Urgh.”, I growled. I compared myself with her, my Mom was perfect.
Her blond wave hair, blue sweet eyes, white skin, oval face shape, beautiful
lips, sharp nose and everything on her beautiful body was perfect. I’d been
wishing for someday I could have the beautiful sweet blue eyes just like her, such
as a miracle gen progressive thing. I believed surely, nothing was impossible
in this world.
“Really?”,
I knew that she didn’t really surprise by the fact in my statement.
“Nobody
but me.. you.. and Dad. I do I believe. I can prove it. I have a theory.”, I
clarified.
“A
theory?”
“Yeah.
I am a writer, right?”, I shrugged, trying to convince my debatable theory to
her.
“Your
Dad was a writer too, honey.”, she pulled her lips, showing her unsatisfied
about my short theory explanation.
“No,
that’s different.”, I retorted. “I’m
just like you Mom, two hundred percent definitely. I write novels and Dad
didn’t.”, I pleaded. For me, there was a huge different between novel and news
article.
“Well,
a novelist… okay, now it is proved. Good job sweat heart. You are really my
beautiful lovely smart daughter.” She smiled, holding my face and then took
back the photograph.
“Mom..”,
she ignored me. Her eyes were wet, again.
It had
been one year since Dad passed away. That was the hardest day in my life ever.
Dad was on the top of his fitness. He ran every morning and played badminton on
Tuesday’s night and football on weekend and even we used to go around Jakarta
city some times in a month. Everything was absolutely alright, he was fine but
he looked so much more tired at that night. I thought maybe he just had the
hard match before, so I went to the kitchen to make some drink for him. Mom was
there, making a cup of hot tea for Dad. I came to Dad, brought him the tea but
he was asleep on sofa with his wet shirt by sweat and sport shoes still on. I
woke up him, but he never woke up. Heart attack, that was the Doctor’s said.
It
changed everything. Mom lost half of her life and love, so did I. She was the
only one that I had now. So, I couldn’t cry and I wouldn’t cry for her.
“Honey..”,
she paused the sentence and stared at me deeply. “I’ve thought, you know, how
hard is this year for me?”
“Me
too”, I whispered.
“I
think, I have to move on..”
“We
have to move on.”. I added.
“Honey,
Drey, this house, these memories, this beautiful sofa, everything that is and
was here, are so painful for me.”, she cried and wiped then in hurry. “I am
sorry if I am being selfish here, I.. I think I, me and you.. we have to.. move
away..”
I
held my breath, looking everything that surrounding me. The paint with all
photographs, the door and the knock sound, I could see Dad and every single
piece memory of him. I didn’t want to leave him here alone. Leaving this house
was impossible. I didn’t sure I could, no I couldn’t.
“Maryland
maybe, but if you don’t want to, it’s okay. It is just an idea, not a command”,
she putted a little smile at the end.
“Maryland?”,
I hissed it under my breath with
deadpan.
“I know
that’s a bad idea, just forget it.”, she turned her face over me.
“No Mom,
wait..”, I didn’t know what to say. I looked her eyes deeply but as deep as I
through it, there’s only pain there.
She’s dying inside, day by the day. Drunk every night, smoke smell from
her breath and mess, I couldn’t let her like this longer more. I couldn’t be a
suck selfish for pretending everything was going to be fine soon with nothing
to do. I couldn’t be a suck selfish with just cared about myself and go out
every day for fun, for curing my only self. I couldn’t be like this anymore,
for her, for everything that Mom had did to me, for our life, for the next
happy days that were coming up, for Dad. “Mom..”, I wiped my eyes. “If it is
that you want and you need, wherever it is, but Alaska, if you are there, I’ll
be there too, just right by your side. I’m with you Mom.”, I tell her the truth.
“Honey,
you don’t have to act like this. If you don’t agree, it’s fine. Don’t worry
about me. Please..”, she said with guiltiness.
“Mom,,”,
I begged.
“No
honey..”
“So,
how is the plan?”, I asked enthusiastic about the specific technical.
“I
mean, your school, your friends, your novels and… I’m sorry, I should not..”
“Mom..”,
I cut her off. “We are not going to live in a deep forest right?”
She
nodded.
“So, it
will be easy for me to find a school building there, won’t I?”
She
nodded.
“And
we’ll have an excellent internet connection?”
She
nodded again but with a little bit of dubious about excellent word now.
“So,
what is the matter?”, I convinced with pressed tune.
“Hey,
who is the one who want to move away anyway?”, she laughed.
I
chuckled.
“By the
way, why you won’t go with me if I move to Alaska?”
“The
sea is freeze Mom. You can’t swim in it.”
“Oh
dear, blessing you, Maryland is never freeze..”, she laughed again.
I’d
missed this laugh for a long time, very long. What should I worry about the
move away plan anymore? My Mom was back, at least her laugh. It was enough for
me. Even I had to leave my life here, my sixteen years of life, it was gonna be
worth, it was.
“So,
when is the time Mom?”, I asked with very happy smile on my face, of course.
“After
you have finished the final semester test, deal?”
“Alright.
I’ll be patient. ” I hugged her tightly while thinking for the time. It meant
one month left.
“Drey,
don’t you have a boyfriend?”, she looked at me with curious eyes. I didn’t know
why she asked this by suddenly, “I think I’d missed everything in this one
year.”
Here came
the sex education conversation, again, after a year. “No, Mom.”, I took a breath.
“I don’t want to be kissed by a boy, not now.”, I explained it with one breath
out.
“Kiss
is still fine Drey. It’s okay”, she assured me. “But if you are not ready yet,
just don’t let him to kiss you anyway. You make me worry”
“Do
I?”, I surprised. “Why?”
“I had
my first kiss at thirteenth. But you? You even never go out for some dates”,
her face curious. “All your friends are girl. Faela, Safa, Dilla… all is a
girl”, she complained now. “Look at you!”, she observed me. “You’re beautiful,
kind, sweet, smart… perfect!”, she said convincingly.
Wow, am
I? I have no idea but of course she will say that, she was my Mom.
“You
are… straight, right?”, her hiss.
What?
All I could do just opened my mouth widely. My Mom thought me that I was that? “Mom?!”
Her
face got ready for a shock. No way.
“No
Mom, no I’m not“, I defended. “Don’t ever think like that again forever!”
She more
calm now.
“I just
want to keep my.. virginity. That is it.”, I controlled my tune, especially at
the virginity word. IIt was so embarrass.
She
laughed. “Oh sweet heart, a kiss will not take your virginity. You have studied
about it in Biology, haven’t you?”, she read my blushing face. “You will lose
your virginity when the pe…”
“I know
Mom”, I stopped her explanation. I didn’t want to talk about this topic. I was
too shy to know all the details from her. Preventing knowledge was enough for
now so I pulled my lips and took a very deep breath then for the next explain,
“I just want to keep all of myself for my husband only. I don’t want to be
touched by a boy or man but him”. I saw her face and said carefully the next
sentence. “The rules, Mom.”, I bitted my lower lips then.
She hold
my face with her two hands and watched my face seriously a second, “Do you wear
this everyday now?”, she played my long blue hijab on its edge as while as she
paid attention to my grey non uniform school overall dress with full sleeved
black shirt inside and black bluster socks.
“Is
it bad?”, I furrowed.
“No
honey, that’s… good, beautiful. You are just such as the virgin Mary.”
“Am I?”
“You
are. You know, I bet that most or maybe almost Mom in this world is worrying
about what are their teen daughter do. But for me, if you suddenly get
pregnant, that must be a miracle God’s job.”
I took
a silent moment of myself. Since Dad passed away, I tried to be more religious,
be better at least. A teacher told me, if someone died, there were three things
of kindness that would help him in his afterlife: his good social work during
lived, his useful knowledge or science heritage and his pious kids that praised
for him. So, I hoped I was pious enough by tried to do everything what God
wants me to do.
“Do you
remember the first time when you told me about your choice?”, she raised up one
of her eyebrow. “You were just a third grade little girl. You looked so anxious
and your voice trembled too. Do you remember that?”
I
nodded, “I just didn’t want to hurt you, Mom.”
“Oh
sweet heart, you didn’t.”, she convinced me. “I and Irfan, your Dad, had made
some agreements in our early married. As you know, I am a Catholic and your Dad
is a Muslim. I am an America citizen and your Dad is an Indonesian citizen. We
had agreed that whatever of choice that you would chose someday, was totally up
to you. And for gave you some knowledge before you made your choice, we had
agreed that we would teach you both. We taught you English and Bahasa. I took
you with me to the Church and Dad sent you to Islamic school.”, she paused a
moment and took more breaths to continued her story telling, “Yeah, your Dad
told me that you had to study Arabic and memorize a lot of praises in that
language and also of the details that he couldn’t teach you.”, she told me the
story behind. “He was not a religious man, Drey”, she put straight my hijab. “Me
too”, she added with chuckle. “So, he thought that was better for you to learn all
about Islam from earlier of your age and from the right place. And that was
fair enough for me. So, please dear, don’t ever feel like that again, okay?”,
she kissed my forehead then.
“I was
so happy being me. I had two presidents and two beliefs. It felt like I had
double fun of life. I was enjoying everything until one day my classmate told
me that I couldn’t have two religions at the same time. That was the way the
tremble came from Mom. It felt like I was choosing a love and losing another
one.”
She
gave me a warm smile again and putted her gaze around house, “We were too late
to go to the church that morning. I asked you to hurry but you said that you
maybe wouldn’t go there anymore. I get a little surprise by that, but I mean,
I’d never imagined you would say that on very young age. But, that’s okay Drey,
really.”, she convinced me again. “I love you forever.”, She hugged me. “Besides,
you’d promised me one thing, didn’t you?”, she made a sharp gaze on mine.
“Oh
Mom, I never broke that, right?.”, I chuckled.
“You
are a master chef of cookies honey. Thank for that anyway.”
“It’s
pleasure.”, I acted like a real master chef.
“So,
what kinds of cookies that will you cook for me on this Christmas?”, her tone
was so curious.
“Hmm..”,
I tried to find some idea of magical receipts. But her beautiful laugh had
broken all of my concentration.
“Why did you promise me with the cookies?”
“I was
a cookies lover Mom, I am. Although, I could get a thousand of wonderful cookies
in Idul Fitri from my friends, I loved your ginger breads so much. I wished, if
I cooked some cookies for you, you wouldn’t forbid me to eat that one. I was
afraid if I told you I wouldn’t go to the Church anymore, it meant, I would miss
that cookie for forever. So, I’d tried to bribe you actually.”
“Oh..”,
she was laughing so loud. “So dear, was it all just about cookies? I mean, was
it was the reason behind? A thousand of wonderful cookies versus the lovely
ginger bread one? ”, she asked seriously, almost.
“Hmm,
just at first time.”, I assured.
“Oh
good!”, her voice relieved.
